Venting

Am I boring you all with my complaining yet? Well, here I go again. So I'm taking parenting classes and socialization classes and moral development classes, but really, nobody has much of anything practical to offer in the way of discipline for three year olds. One of my teachers was talking about authoritative parenting (the good parenting style) the other day and said that using induction (talking with your child and getting them to think and to figure out how their behavior makes others feel) is the best way to fix behavior, but that it is more like money in the bank and it pays off in the long run, while authoritarian parenting (the least damaging, not-good style that usually involves punitive measures such as spanking, punishing, and scolding) gets immediate results. So I asked, "What if I need a fix right now, today, can't wait, must fix this behavior before the child is 10? What does an authoritative parent do then?" My teacher totally skirted the issue!!! And it's not the first time I have asked this type of question and received the same type of response. SO FRUSTRATING! Especially since I really needed an immediate fix to the situation that occurred this weekend. We were at a gas station and the kids were playing on the grass. Suddenly, Ryker looked at me, smiled and hopped through the fence and bolted towards Bangerter Hwy! Me and my pregnant self ran, screaming at him to stop, to the fence and leaped over it (it was chest-high--yeah, I was REALLY sore for a day or two afterward) and chased down that naughty little boy, who, by this time had turned to see what kind of commotion he was able to cause and sat smiling angelically on the grass, clearly amused. I was clearly not amused and Ryker's backside found that out right quick! But tell me, those of you authoritative parents out there, what would you have done? Because according to all the parenting research out there, I just increased the chance that my son will be aggressive, dependent, passive, anxious, and conforming. I have a really hard time swallowing the idea that punishment is bad. I don't think that love is the only thing you need to raise good children. It's definitely a key component that you cannot do without, but I don't understand and no one can explain to me (even experts in the field at BYU) how you can set limits for your children without punishing. Not everything has a natural consequence! And I definitely don't want Ryker to learn the natural consequence of running into traffic! I don't think it works to just love them into wanting to be good. I've never seen it work. I could love that boy with all my little heart, but he would still want to test out his power and see what gets my goat; that's how kids are. And if nothing ruffles my feathers, he'll just keep trying until he finds something, or he will think that it's okay for him to be naughty because Mommy just loved him and distracted him and that was it. Another of my pet peeves is the distraction technique. Well, not the technique per se, but the idea that it should be the sole form of discipline for young children. I don't believe that distraction teaches anything; it just avoids the problem for the moment so you can readdress it again later. And then again. And again. And again. Until you finally DO something about it. So, for cryin out loud, what is the DO part of parenting that gets results that stick for today, tomorrow and ten years from now? I know this is a long rant and that most of you probably quit reading long ago (I don't blame you), but for those of you still reading, what do you do? What works? I really do think that the literature is flawed (and I hope to be a contributing factor in fixing that one day). I believe that there is a component to parenting called punishment and that it can be healthy, effective, associated with positive outcomes, done with love (not coercion), and that it can actually work to fix behavior now and in the future. I just don't know how to do it. Do you?Hard to believe that this innocent little boy could be the source of a near heart attack isn't it!