The Lord has a sense of humor

Well, I suppose since it's fairly common knowledge at this point, it's about time for an official bloggy announcement. For some reason, the Lord sees fit to play lots of practical jokes on us. Landon was our surprise baby and a welcome one. A bit early for comfort (Alaina was only 9 months old when I got pregnant with him) but what is life for if not to challenge and stretch us. Getting pregnant with him was, however, birth control operator neglect.

This time though, we did our part in the prevention department. We were entirely diligent in our birth control use and I have no explanation for how we have conceived yet another child. That's right. Baby #5 is on its way.

I'm not sure how to describe my feelings about this. I guess there's what I feel on the one hand and what I know on the other. I KNOW that this will all work out in the end. I KNOW that God has a plan in all of this and that He does not make mistakes. I KNOW that God can make it possible for me to carry, birth, nurse, and raise another child right now (though perhaps it's not part of His plan for me to maintain my sanity in the process?). But I FEEL much different about this whole thing. I feel like I'm not up for another pregnancy right now or anytime in the near future. I feel like I really have no interest in going through the apprehension of another birth (in the end, it works out fine, each better than the last, but the anticipation of having to be in such perfect control of my body and mind to work through the birthing process drug-free is daunting, though I can't see myself doing it any other way--using drugs I mean). I feel like I'm floundering with four kids and I just don't see how I can possibly manage five. I mean, you've seen how much I haven't blogged in the last year. There's a reason for that. I can hardly manage daily life. I'm so not looking forward to getting nursing established because that process can be more painful than childbirth. I'm also not excited about how to manage THREE kids three and under. That's right. Alaina will have just turned three when this one is born. Three kids in three years! You've GOT to be kidding me! The thing that had been getting me through the day sometimes was knowing that life is hard right now because I have two very small children who need help with everything, but that they will grow quickly enough and be able to do more things on their own in no time. Well, with another one coming, I'm just not sure how I can do three so close in age who will need SO much from me for such a long while yet.

I suppose that I knew there was another child waiting for us because when people would ask if we were done having kids, I would say that I would be fine to be done but that if the Lord had other plans for us, that was okay too. But He might have to yell for me to hear Him. I guess he succeeded there. Hearing it loud and clear! I just could never actually say flat out that we were done, so I guess I kinda knew we'd have another. Plus I have a girl name picked out that I was sad not to get to use when Landon came out a boy. Right there, I jinxed us. I just didn't think the Lord would plan for us to have another so soon! And ultimately, that's what giving me a run for my money. I'm so not feeling ready to do all this again right now!

So aside from feeling emotionally kinda unstable and unsure of myself and my ability to have a 5th child right now, I'm also feeling miserably ill. The thought of food makes me sick but not eating makes me sicker. And I have to eat every two hours or I feel like I'm on my deathbed. Nothing sounds good. Ever. But I'm forced to either be thinking about or eating food all. day. long. And when I think of something I might be able to choke down, I need it right this minute. Ugh! So, needless to say, the house is a disaster (I mean, it's always a disaster, but right now it really looks like some sort of tornado or earthquake rocked our world, which I guess it kinda did). Brice has had very little work the last few weeks which is sucking as far as paying the bills is concerned but is a Godsend for keeping the family functioning. He's been amazing about keeping up on dishes and making sure that SOMETHING gets done around the house every day, even if it's not enough to get us to a normal state of functioning. He also takes care of all the poopy diapers when he's home because that just sends me over the edge. And he makes my food for me as much as he can. And the kids' too. He also takes care of everything in the morning so I can sleep in and get my much-needed rest (I'm not a napper). He's so good to me! Even if he does get frustrated that I'm not helping around the house. But I think he gained some insight into my plight last night (whoa, that was a lot of -ights in a row) when I asked him how much work he'd be doing if he had food poisoning that lasted 6-8 weeks. A light went on behind his eyes. Total ah-ha moment.

Then there's the whole issue of moving and all that. With homebirthing, it's not quite as simple to just change care providers. Some midwives want to have you as a client for at least a specified amount of time before the birth--it keeps their risks low to know what's going on with their patients. Also, midwifery in California is FAR more expensive than it is here. So do we postpone our moving date until after the baby? Or do we go anyway and pay the higher cost and find a midwife for the last 2 months of care and the birth? The other thing is that part of the point of midwifery is to have a woman whom you trust and have built a rapport with. It's a little more difficult to do all of that there at the end. At any rate, I haven't done much to answer my own questions in this department because I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with all these decisions that now need to be made.

Oh, yeah. And add to all of this, the guilt that I feel for carrying a child that I'm not totally excited to have. Yeah. Great. I keep worrying that this poor kid will feel totally robbed and unwanted for his/her whole life because I feel so not excited right now. I'm sure I will love and adore this one just as much as my other four, but right now I don't feel anything like I did when I was pregnant with them. Where I should be feeling excitement and joy I feel fear and doubt. How do you remedy that one?

Well, now I'm just rambling. So that's the long and the short of it (mostly the long) so feel free to offer your congratulations or your condolences--both are appropriate at the moment.

Okay, but really. I do truly KNOW that it's going to be okay, so don't go thinking that I'm in the depths of despair, thinking my life is ruined or that I'm not going to love this baby or anything overly dramatic like that. I know that once the baby is here it will all be worth it. It's just right now, with 8 or 9 months of pain, discomfort, hard work, and fatigue staring me in the face, that I'm doubting my ability to rise to the challenge. But in the end I do KNOW that I CAN do it. Just scared to I guess. It's a lot to ask of one little mommy with 4 small kids already.

Oh, and due date: Brice's birthday! February 22 2012. That will mean that Alaina and Landon are 17 months apart and Landon and #5 (I think I'll start calling the baby Johnny 5) will be 20 months apart. Alaina and Johnny 5 will be 3 years and one month apart. Raelin will be 8 and Ryker will be 6.5. So we'll have 8, 6.5, 3, 2.5 and a newborn. Here goes nothin'.