Airing some dirty laundry

So, what does it mean when your child uses a 6 inch long bolt to whack and stab a picture of Christ? It means you were a good parent today.

At least, that's what I hope it means. Ryker had a hard day today. To his credit, he has had the BEST attitude the last few days. Whenever he gets "no" for an answer, his response has been, "that's okay" and he'll come up with some reason for why he can deal with not getting his way. Every time. He's such a good boy. But today was an off day. Today we went to the store and found a toy he really wanted and it was on clearance, so I bought it to use as a reward for not sucking his thumb. We went and got food and I let him pick a lot of treats: cheetos, chocolate milk, uncrustables, sprinkles for a kind of frosting he wanted... You get the idea. Lots of junk. When we got to the check out line, he asked for candy. I thought he had enough crap in the cart and said no to that one. His good attitude was nowhere to be found. Granted, he was tired and hungry, but still... We must learn to cope even when conditions are not optimal. He whined and complained and I ignored him. I asked him to help me unload the cart and he didn't. No biggie. Landon was just really done being in the carrier (I have to start using a different one for him right now because he hasn't been comfortable in my mei tai lately--too big for legs in, too small for legs out) and SCREAMING was all. But I let him sulk and took care of it myself. I went up to the register and then I noticed that the wipes were at the end and not on the conveyor belt enough to get pulled down the lane. I asked him to push them on all the way. He refused. I asked him to please be a helper. He went and pulled them all the way back so they weren't touching the conveyor belt at all! Amazingly, I didn't lose my cool like I usually do. I asked him if he was going to be a helper or if I should give the Imaginext toy back. He sulked. I put the wipes on the belt and handed the toy to the checker and asked her to take it back. He cried and yelled at me. Still kept my cool. I told him I was sorry he was sad and then ignored him. As we walked away from the line, he grabbed the waist strap of the mei tai and pulled backwards telling me he wanted me to go back and get him the toy. I drug him along behind me for a few steps until he let go and flopped on the floor. I'd taken Landon out of the carrier and was holding him in one arm while pulling the cart with the other hand. I had no way to get Ryker out of the store and to the car. So I left him there. Fortunately, we aren't in San Bernardino or any place scary and I wasn't overly worried about it, especially since I had a pretty good parking spot and wouldn't be too far away. I drove the cart out, put the baby in the car and turned back for Ryker. An employee was walking him out just then and he sulked across the parking lot to me. He complained and complained about how mean I was and how he hated me and this family. He said he never wanted to be a part of it and I made his life miserable. I went about getting the babies taken care of and ignored him. I usually blow up at him, not because of what he's saying (I know he doesn't mean it) so much as because it's ANNOYING! He never stops! And I hate how rude and malicious he is with his words. At one point I interrupted his monologue and picked him up gently and tenderly where I normally would have been rough and uncaring and I sat him in the car and hugged him (he hugged me back). I told him I was sorry that he was so sad but that if I bought him a toy when he was naughty, I was teaching him to be a bad boy. I talked to him about that for a minute or two and explained that God wanted me to teach him to be good and to obey his parents and to obey God, so I couldn't do things that would teach him to be a bad boy. He said that the way it works for him is that I have to buy him toys and candy when he's naughty and then he'll be good. I told him that all the time I was going to school I was learning how to be a good mom and what things work and what things don't and that I KNEW that rewarding bad behavior ALWAYS teaches little boys to be bad. I went and finished loading the groceries. He followed me and continued to complain. I picked him up (still gentle!) and put him in his seat and buckled him up. I usually yell at him to get his blankety blank (that part's just in my mind) behind in his seat and buckle up. He doesn't. I yell more. I throw him in the car and tell at him to do his seatbelt. Eventually, I threaten to take something he really wants or punish him really bad and he buckles up. Not this time! I just calmly put him in the car and buckled him up. We were going to go to the park for a picnic, but I told him that he had to choose to cheer up first. He didn't. He continued to complain so we just went home. I carried him up to his room with him trying to grab anything he could to slow us down: chairs, doorways, stair banisters, etc. I put him in his room without throwing him on his bed like usual and walked out. I went down to attend to the fussy babies who were both hungry. After I fed Landon, I thought I'd better go see what all the banging was coming from Ryker's room. I found him up there with a big bolt, banging it into a picture of Christ. I was shocked and appalled. All I could say was, "Wow, Ryker." I picked up the picture and the bolt and the other picture of Christ in his room (the one with a glass frame) and anything else that looked like it could be damaged or do damage and I went out. He screamed at me to let him out. He hasn't behaved that poorly in a long time. Not since before his birthday when we put a swing in his room (his swing has been broken for several weeks now and his behavior is slowly deteriorating--someone want to take some of Brice's load so he has a minute to fix it? Please? I'd really appreciate having the not out of control Ryker back!). If you know Ryker, you know that as much as he is terrible, he is also tender, sweet, loving, and good. I think and hope that his rationale for trying to put more nails into his Savior was that none of my regular buttons were working today and he hoped that by doing something SO bad, I would finally lose it and be my predictable, unstable, irrational, yelling, punishing self. I didn't lose my patience with him once that whole time. As appalling as it was to see him doing something so awful, I hope it means I was doing something right. For once.

I will admit that I did lose my patience with him later in the day when he was scratching Raelin and she asked him to stop nice and politely twice and he stopped for a second, thought about it, and scratched some more. I whacked him on the head with a stuffed animal. I'm not perfect. But I keep trying! I hope that I can have more days like today where I don't lose my cool and I don't let him get to me. It would be nice to do that, however, sans Christ-defacing behaviors.