Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Venting

Am I boring you all with my complaining yet? Well, here I go again. So I'm taking parenting classes and socialization classes and moral development classes, but really, nobody has much of anything practical to offer in the way of discipline for three year olds. One of my teachers was talking about authoritative parenting (the good parenting style) the other day and said that using induction (talking with your child and getting them to think and to figure out how their behavior makes others feel) is the best way to fix behavior, but that it is more like money in the bank and it pays off in the long run, while authoritarian parenting (the least damaging, not-good style that usually involves punitive measures such as spanking, punishing, and scolding) gets immediate results. So I asked, "What if I need a fix right now, today, can't wait, must fix this behavior before the child is 10? What does an authoritative parent do then?" My teacher totally skirted the issue!!! And it's not the first time I have asked this type of question and received the same type of response. SO FRUSTRATING! Especially since I really needed an immediate fix to the situation that occurred this weekend. We were at a gas station and the kids were playing on the grass. Suddenly, Ryker looked at me, smiled and hopped through the fence and bolted towards Bangerter Hwy! Me and my pregnant self ran, screaming at him to stop, to the fence and leaped over it (it was chest-high--yeah, I was REALLY sore for a day or two afterward) and chased down that naughty little boy, who, by this time had turned to see what kind of commotion he was able to cause and sat smiling angelically on the grass, clearly amused. I was clearly not amused and Ryker's backside found that out right quick! But tell me, those of you authoritative parents out there, what would you have done? Because according to all the parenting research out there, I just increased the chance that my son will be aggressive, dependent, passive, anxious, and conforming. I have a really hard time swallowing the idea that punishment is bad. I don't think that love is the only thing you need to raise good children. It's definitely a key component that you cannot do without, but I don't understand and no one can explain to me (even experts in the field at BYU) how you can set limits for your children without punishing. Not everything has a natural consequence! And I definitely don't want Ryker to learn the natural consequence of running into traffic! I don't think it works to just love them into wanting to be good. I've never seen it work. I could love that boy with all my little heart, but he would still want to test out his power and see what gets my goat; that's how kids are. And if nothing ruffles my feathers, he'll just keep trying until he finds something, or he will think that it's okay for him to be naughty because Mommy just loved him and distracted him and that was it. Another of my pet peeves is the distraction technique. Well, not the technique per se, but the idea that it should be the sole form of discipline for young children. I don't believe that distraction teaches anything; it just avoids the problem for the moment so you can readdress it again later. And then again. And again. And again. Until you finally DO something about it. So, for cryin out loud, what is the DO part of parenting that gets results that stick for today, tomorrow and ten years from now? I know this is a long rant and that most of you probably quit reading long ago (I don't blame you), but for those of you still reading, what do you do? What works? I really do think that the literature is flawed (and I hope to be a contributing factor in fixing that one day). I believe that there is a component to parenting called punishment and that it can be healthy, effective, associated with positive outcomes, done with love (not coercion), and that it can actually work to fix behavior now and in the future. I just don't know how to do it. Do you?Hard to believe that this innocent little boy could be the source of a near heart attack isn't it!

5 comments:

Unknown said...

I seriously don't know, but I want to find out too. My twin sis is having issues with her just turned four year old and to be honest I'm trying to learn from her. So sad she has to do some of the trial and error for me. I know that my sister-in-laws are great resources for me and do lots of great different things. Send them this blog link, they're sure to respond.

LAURA and ELIZA said...

Morgan, I would've spanked that crap outof him too! (I don't make a habit out of spanking however) Thats scary!! Discipline is hard but I think its absolutely necessary. Kids need to learn how to deal with real life. They're not gonna get off with a slap on the wrist if they do something comparable in real life.

melanie said...

Hey Somers family!
I am a scary lurker. Just kidding, found your awesome blog on Wes and Melissa's site! Congrats on the new baby, and your current offspring are ADORABLE!!!!!!!!!
Blogs rock!
ciao for now,
melanie segalla (mackay)

melanie said...

Oh, forgot to comment on your psting itself. With our boys, we dont spank a lot, because of that whole, calm, longterm parenting thing, but this is what we do, which may or may not work for anyone else but us. Like I said, we rarely spank, but if one of our children (except for our baby) do something extremely dangerous to themselves, or their sibling, WARM BUNS BABY!!!!! Too much spanking is not good, but sometimes, your kids have to know that sometimes, mom means business, baby!!!! If you leave spanking for those situations only, I think it is helpful. I think you did the right thing! Anyway, my two cents!
ciao for now!
melanie

Cummins Family said...

So, that would have scared me to death! I can totally picture you running, holding your belly, screaming at your son down the road! He deffinately deserved a spankin'! I agree with your friend Melanie, that spanking isn't always the answer, but absolutely necessary when they do something that is so out of line! I think that when used very little and for big mistakes it makes it known that you are serious about what they have done. Otherwise, if you spank for every little thing they become numb to it and continue the bad behavior. I know YOU don't spank all the time, but some parents do. Anyway, parenting is so hard and always keeps us thinking and on our toes! Maybe I'll send you some good running shoes for Christmas!